GETTING STARTED with TEASE and DENIAL and/or CHASTITY

Your Own Words

A common question seems to be “how do I get my spouse/partner interested in this?” It’s important to understand that there is no single way to bring this up, and certainly not one that guarantees a favorable outcome. Everyone is different and what would get a fair (or even favorable) response from one person, could be precisely the wrong approach for another. We believe that when not caught up in the passion of our fantasies, most of us have a pretty good “gut feel” for what will and won’t have much of a chance with our spouses or partners. That’s not saying don’t read suggested communications that are out there. It just means that, in the end, we have to speak from our own hearts, in our own words; perhaps inspired a little by some of the suggestions we’ve read.

Some of the links on the Tease & Please home page are to sites that have those communication suggestions. This page is our shot at it.

Build From Basics

Just like there is no “one size fits all” communication, there is no one end point everyone is supposed to reach with this. Some couples will prefer shorter periods of denial, some longer. Some will play with intense teasing in between releases, others will not. Some will want to move to the use of male chastity devices, others will not. The important thing to remember is that this is up to you. There shouldn’t be an expectation that you ought to move toward longer periods of denial the longer you are involved, or inevitably end up using a chastity device. And that leads to our second piece of advice; introduce the basic idea and build from there in steps.

For at least one member of the relationship, this is likely to be a new idea. As a new idea, it’s likely to seem a little strange at first, all right a lot strange. Most folks like to move slowly at first with new things. This is even more important if one half of the couple has been fantasizing about this for a long time. The longer we fantasize about something the more detailed and elaborate our fantasies tend to become. Dropping all of that on a partner at once can be overwhelming, even if they are very ready to try new things. It can even sound like a script or expectation, which can really spoil the fun and put your partner off the whole idea. In your fantasy you “know” where you’d like to go with this; as a couple, in reality, you have no idea where the two of you together may end up jointly wanting to go. Leave room for your partner to embrace the concept and add to it on their own.

Gender Differences in Communication

Up to this point, the suggestions apply equally well whether it is the man or woman who is first bringing up the idea of controlling the man’s orgasms. Without wishing to stereotype people, in our opinion there are some differences worth considering.

For Men

We’ll start with men since most of the “straw polls” show that most of these relationships started with the man making the suggestion, actually 1.5x to 2x as often. It’s easy to lose sight of the fact that most of what is written about this activity is written by men, for men, regardless of what it says. As such, it tends to support men’s fantasies.

If you’re thinking your lady will be thrilled when you describe all the things you are going to do for her (cleaning, shopping, laundry, massages etc.) when your orgasms are limited to when you are with her, then you just could be surprised. She might just ask, why aren’t you doing that now? I’ll bet those advising you to take that approach never prepared you for an answer to that question.  Honestly, I don’t think there is a satisfactory answer to that question.

Our opinion is that the best approach begins with talking to her about what this is, a sexual fantasy. And use the opportunity to discover what sexual fantasies she has that aren’t being fulfilled. This kind of communication is key to a solid relationship, and if it isn’t there, it probably doesn’t matter what sexual fantasy you are trying to realize.

In explaining your desires be as clear as possible about the key motivators, needs and feelings for you in the fantasy; NOT specific actions or scripts for her. If she needs help getting an idea of how to execute the fantasy, trust that she’ll ask questions. Coming on with a long and specific list of things to do and say sounds more like a chore list than fun. If this sounds similar to the above, it’s because it is so often overlooked, and often by men. Don’t forget that, at least at first, she may be going along with this because it’s important to you, not necessarily because it excites her. The more trouble you make meeting this fantasy, the harder it is for her to give it a try.

Is teasing and denial a sort of enforced extended foreplay that builds you up for a great experience? Does it feed a desire to put her on a pedestal and make her life easier, to defer to her in some (or all) areas of the relationship? (Submissive can be a trigger word for some ladies, immediately conjuring up far fetched and extreme images.)

If part of the desire is submissive to some degree, then she may feel uncomfortable with you taking on more than half of the chores etc. If she were really comfortable with a dominant position like that you might not be reading this to introduce the idea to your relationship. If you have generally had a relationship of equals, then it may take some time for her to get comfortable with this apparent inequality, but as it becomes more familiar to her and as she knows you are enjoying it that should fall into place.

Once you are both starting down this road, that’s when the guy can find out what things he can do to surprise her and make her life easier. That’s when cooking and cleaning could come in. But start small and find out if you aren’t sure. There may be very specific ways she wants some of these things done, and others she doesn’t want you to do at all.

If your desire is to take this to the use of chastity devices then your challenges are similar to the introduction of orgasm denial in the first place. You need to be prepared for possible questions like: isn’t your word good enough? Can’t I trust you? And so forth.  Potential alternatives might take the form of comparing the chastity device to wedding rings, a symbol of your commitment and a constant reminder that you find erotic. If she is not put off by the bondage aspect, then you can point to that as the attraction as well.

In some relationships there is room for a degree of “trust but verify” with chastity. Perhaps it appeals to a fantasy. Only you and your lady can answer if, or how far to go with that for your relationship. But be aware there is a danger in going too far down that slope. At some point you can cross from fun fantasy into serious territory that says something like “I can’t be trusted”. That can undermine the relationship. It can encourage your lady to see you as some sort of slave to your urges. It’s hard to see love and respect if you see someone in that way. It can also be taken as an insult to your lady – any sexual release will do, there’s nothing special about sex with her.

On a practical level it makes your lady take a whole other role in this, one she may not really want – that of “mothering” you and having to monitor you like a child, 24-7. Instead of “dominating” you at her convenience for fun, she is now put in a position where she must ensure that you cannot break your promises.

For Women

Women do have a special challenge in bringing up orgasm denial. After all, they are asking their partner to do without something very near, dear and personal; something most men may regard as a birth right, easy and frequent sexual gratification. This is not the huge disadvantage you might think. An overwhelming majority of men respond positively to a woman with an assertive sexual attitude. That’s not the same as “dominant” but it’s a foot in the door if that’s where you want to go. It’s more than enough for the introduction of a “sexual game”. If experience has taught us anything, it’s that men can be persuaded to do almost anything when sex is involved.

You could approach the topic from the sexual fantasy discussion, as we advised the men, but there is a potential problem with that approach. In describing the attraction and motivation it may be difficult to steer clear of discussing things like power and control. If you aren’t concerned about putting those ideas front and center, either because your dominance isn’t open for discussion or because you have reason to believe your partner is submissive, then you probably won’t need much help in this introduction.

Possibly the easiest opening for the lady is to suggest some sexual experimentation. Most men will respond favorably to this, and here you can be pretty sure what benefit to him you want to feature – better and more powerful orgasms. You can refer to it as orgasm “delay” rather than “denial” if you think he’ll be put off by dominant sounding terms. The central idea you present is that longer build up makes for a more powerful and satisfying orgasm.

You could start with a long teasing and foreplay session, getting him to the edge of orgasm several times before allowing him to finish. During this phase it’s easy to have him service you sexually in many ways. An orgasm immediately following some prolonged arousal will certainly be better, bigger than any quick jerk off. From there the extension is to put his completion off to another day. Perhaps you play Friday night, and he doesn’t get to orgasm till Saturday, or maybe Sunday.

If you are introducing the game as part of a move to a female lead relationship, then the better orgasms achieved under your rationing versus his quick rush to completion can be an example of how things are better under your guidance and control.

Keep selling the intensity of his orgasm, and how that excites you. Reinforcing the payoff and the way it puts you in the mood for more sex, will exert a powerful influence on his thoughts. Naturally this is where you also stress that he needs to promise not to break the build up on his own. Tell him if he doesn’t think he can stand it any more to talk to you before doing anything about it on his own. This will give him some security and a sense that he has an “out”. We suggest greeting these moments with sympathy and understanding, and before permitting him an orgasm, remind him of how good it will be if he waits. Don’t be shy about using whatever version of “just a few more days, for me” works best for you. If he’s even a little competitive, breaking old records can be a helpful thing to mention. Of course you have to use your own judgment about permitting an orgasm; for example, if you fear that he is on the verge of “breaking training” altogether. As mentioned elsewhere, finding the right length of denial is an exploration for each couple, there is a point where more is not better.

If he is complying with the no masturbation rule, he’ll likely want to initiate some sexual activity with you at times other than your usual play time. Especially if he doesn’t know which play time might result in an orgasm for him. This is how you can use that sexual energy to focus on getting your sexual needs met. If you want to expand the use of his extra sexual energy to something like cleaning or laundry, just tell him you’re too tired to play because you just did (or don’t have time because you still need to do) the cleaning, the laundry, etc. Most guys will pick up on that clue, but you can be more obvious if you need to. A lot of guys both need and prefer specific instruction, and in these circumstances he’ll be more focused on the possible payoff than whether or not you are being too “bossy”.

The benefits for both of you only happen if his sexual arousal is kept high, and his orgasms limited. Some couples are fine on the honor system, others aren’t, and some just like the idea of chastity devices on either a full or part time basis.

If your intention from the beginning is to ultimately require a chastity device for him there are two ways to proceed. The first is easiest; if you catch him repeatedly violating the no masturbation rule. Depending on the tone and style of your relationship you can be angry and demand it, or sympathetic and offer the help of a device to prevent masturbation. While some men will voluntarily obey the rule strictly, many will try to cheat. They have pleasured themselves since they were boys, they are used to keeping it discreet and may have difficulty appreciating the importance of this rule – “what can it hurt?” So if you are determined to bring him into chastity, some discreet vigilance may be all you need to have the evidence appear to “accidentally” fall into your lap.

The second method is used if he doesn’t break the rules or you just don’t want to wait till you find out. The key here is to avoid even the appearance of lack of trust. If his honesty and trustworthiness are not appreciated, if he is to be treated or “punished” as if they didn’t exist, then they won’t for long. A dynamic will be set up where he tries to outwit your control, and feel justified in doing so. Praise his honesty and trustworthiness and offer the device as a teasing reminder of your control, something that in effect teases him round the clock. And don’t forget to tell him how excited it makes you feel, looking at the key and thinking about him locked up for you and you alone. This is where displaying the key on a necklace, charm bracelet or anklet can be very powerful for both of you. If he hasn’t broken the rules but has talked about how difficult it becomes, you might sell it as something that can give him extra confidence at longer denial periods.